Saturday, May 31, 2014

Paranoia

I just found out a friend of mine in Charleston died.  That makes eight people within eight months.  I'm starting to get a little paranoid.

None of these people were old by any means, most were my age or a few years older.  So what is going on?  Is this a sign of things to come?  Are the dead the lucky ones?  Well, that goes without saying, but is there something I am missing here?

It doesn't matter if you exercise and eat right, it doesn't matter if you don't.  These eight were a mix of both, so that doesn't figure.

I think about my Mother's friend who is 93 and healthy as hell.  She is bright and gets around on her own.  She smoked and drank most of her life, and doesn't give a thought to what she eats, never exercised.  The do's and don'ts we are inundated with every minute of every day through the media do not apply.

If this is the beginning of the Rapture, we're in trouble.  Well... I guess I'm in trouble cause I'm still here.

I don't know about the Rapture, but I do know that something hinky is going on.  I think it's the water.  Don't drink the water.

Don't eat or drink, stay out of the sun, get in bed and pull the covers over your head.  Yeah...  That's what I'll do.

Tomorrow.  I'll do that tomorrow.  Today I have laundry to do.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Life and Death

My brother died two days ago.  He was first diagnosed with Cancer five years ago and at the time, we thought he had beaten it.  It came back again and again every year in a different place.

His cancer had gone to his brain and because of that, he was confused some of the time.  He would say one thing to me and another to his children which caused a lot of anger on both sides.  It wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault, but difficult for the rest of us.  He's gone now and what remains is a division within the family.  It's too bad things worked this way, but it is what it is.  It's up to us to repair it or feed it.

My friend told me a story about a grandfather talking to his grandson, telling him about two wolves fighting to the death.  One wolf was kindness, forgiveness, love, compassion, generosity.  The other wolf was hatred, jealousy, greed, self-righteousness, anger.  Then the grandfather got up.

The grand son says, "Wait!  Which one wins?"

The grandfather says, "The one you feed."

I've been thinking about that story concerning my family situation, and it's difficult for me to be the better wolf.  I don't want to be forgiving and kind, I want to be angry and unforgiving.  But to what end?  How is feeding my anger going to help myself or anyone else?  It doesn't, it just feels better and it's easier.  I'm tired and being the bigger person takes too much energy.  But does it really?  Doesn't it take more energy being angry?

My life has changed so drastically in the past two years it makes my head spin.  I envy my brother for being in a beautiful place in peace and harmony.  I envy him for being surrounded by love and no longer having to put up with stress and strife and all the bullshit in life.  He is free from it all.

So I have to decide how I want to live this life while I'm in it.  Which wolf do I want to be?  I don't know, probably a little of both, if I'm honest.  Being a good wolf is a bore sometimes, but being a bitch is exhausting as well.

We live until we die and everyone has a different view of how these should be done.  I don't think it matters in the big picture, I think it only matters in the minutes and hours.  I'm pretty self-centered, so I want every minute and hour to be happy and stress free.  I will do anything to make it so.

Guess I'll ponder it some more and decide later.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Being Right

You really find out who your friends are when you're in a crisis or sticky situation.  It's an old cliche, but true just the same.

Since my Mom's stroke, I have been surprised, shocked, and pleased to find out who my friends really are.  There are some who I thought were friends who have stabbed me in the back.  There are some who I wasn't sure of, who have come through in amazing ways.  There are some who I was sure of who haven't let me down.

My definition of friendship is someone who doesn't tell me I'm right all the time or lies to me in order to spare my feelings.  A friend to me is someone who is honest with me whether I like it or not, and one who gives me the respect of listening to my side, then gives me another side and helps me work it out.  A friend loves me when I'm wrong or right.

I'm not one who has to be right all the time.  I think of the question, would I rather be right or happy?  I'd rather be happy.  Being wrong is just another learning lesson that I'm happy to learn.

Would I like to be right all the time?  Well, when I was in my 20's I thought I was.  There was no doubt whatsoever that I was always right no matter how wrong I was.  Then I grew up.

I grew up with the help of friends who helped me understand that being right all the time is a lonely road.

So now I welcome being wrong when I'm wrong, and I weigh all sides before being confident I'm right.  Again, my friends help me with this.

This discord within my family right now is wrong.  It's as wrong as wrong can be and there is no going back.  The damage done is beyond repair.  When all is said and done, no one will have been right.  

I have a responsibility to my Mom and the court of law, to protect her properties and finances, so that's what I'm doing.  Right or wrong, it's the assignment I've been given.  Anyone who doesn't like it is more than welcome to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.  




Friday, May 23, 2014

The Good Things In Life

There are many negatives in my life, so I like to balance them with good and positive.  Yesterday, I bought beautiful flowers to plant in my pots on my patio.  My apartment is nothing to shout about, it's kind of a shit hole, so I decided to make it the best it can be.  I have the best bed I've ever had, a cool couch, art I like, and two kitties that give me joy and irritate me at the same time.

My environment is very important to me because I spend a lot of time in solitude.  This is by choice.  Solitude helps me rejuvenate, gives me time to ponder and figure things out.  I enjoy it, I crave it, and I must have it.  So I try to surround myself with beauty that inspires me to feel and think.

I love putting my hands in soil, planting flowers and seeing the results.  Like everything else in my life, I baby my plants.  There are some who would not believe this, but I love to nurture everyone and everything.  It feeds my soul and makes me happy.  Of course I have a limit on this, I'm not a total pushover.

I now have a patio that soothes the savage beast.  There is a Buddha fountain, draping vines in decorative boxes hanging on the fence, pretty wind things hanging from the rafters, wind chimes, and brilliants flowers of red, yellow, pink, white, and green.  My sanctuary.

We all have negative crap in our lives, it's unavoidable.  That IS life.  Good and bad.  Some choose to dwell on the negative and make it the only part of life they see.  I have a son like that and I don't get it.  I choose to have a balance because I know I can't grow and learn without the negative.  It makes the positive all the better.

I'm a nature person who thrives on being outside, looking at the sky and all of the beauty nature provides.  I now have my own slice of heaven right outside my door.  The only thing that would make it better is an ocean, lake, river, or pond.  But beggars can't be choosers, and for now it's perfect.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Catching Up

The last I wrote on this blog was January 3.  Wow!

Okay, so let's see....

Mom is still in a nursing home, brother moved to Arizona to live his final days with his daughter, I'm still in OKC in an apartment, the world hasn't ended and life goes on.

I just got back from my first trip to Santa Fe, NM.  It was beautiful, and I had a great time with my friends, but I'm a water baby.  I need to be surrounded by water with wide open spaces.  I like flat.

When I left OKC, there was a Facebook shit storm my nephew stirred up about me wanting a key to my brother's house.  The house was actually bought by my mother, the taxes and insurance are paid by my mother, and her name is on the title in joint with my brother.  He hasn't put too much money into the house, maybe utilities.

When my brother moved to AZ, he had given me a key to his house to take care of his cat when he went out of town. The day before he left, he told me I was his best friend, his sister, he trusted me and my decisions completely, he would support any and all decisions I made, and was glad I would keep an eye on his house.  Well, that didn't happen.

His son changed the locks on the house and accused me of everything from being a thief, liar, demon, bad daughter, to causing wars and plague.  Kind of like the Republicans say about President Obama.

Did my brother support me?  No.

Did my brother stop his son's hate campaign and tell him to give me a key?  No

Will I get a key and tell them all to F'off?  Yes, I will.

So now I have to get a court order to have the lock changed so I can, as my mother's Guardian, have access to the unoccupied house.

If anyone ever asks you to be their Guardian.... Say no.  Not just no, but hell no.  It's a losing situation when you have greedy family members who will lie and manipulate in order to protect their interests.  I could go on and on about this, but I'm pretty tired of it.  The bottom line is, I will do my duty to my mother and the court that protects her.

Now the good news.  I am healthy, wealthy, and wiser every day.  I have a new grand baby girl coming in August, two adorable grandsons, great friends, great kids, and my sisters are a wonderful support to me.  The weather is perfect, the wind is blowing, the Paseo Art Festival is this weekend, thunderstorms are coming (love!), and life is beautiful.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that the good outweighs the bad.  All the negative in live is just a small part of it.




Friday, January 3, 2014

Judgment Day

My sisters and I gathered at Mom's house last night to say good bye to my oldest sister.  She is going  home today and we won't see her for awhile.  A very sad thought.  My middle sister and I begged her to stay but she can't.

While we were talking, my middle sister brought up the ironic coincidence that our mother, who has always prided herself as being the smartest person in the room and physically strong, is now slowly dying of paralysis and dementia.  It started me thinking.

When we were growing up, it was just a fact that when you die there is a Judgment before you get into Heaven.  You are forced to face your worst sins and repent or go to Hell.

I don't believe that, but what if Judgment happens before you die?  What if the way you die depends on how you have lived?

So I started thinking about my worst sins.  Vain, self-righteous, judgmental...  

Yikes!  I have to get movin on this repenting and making amends stuff!  Crap!  I want to be one of those people who die instantly without anguish and pain.  I don't want to linger, dragging out my dying over months and years!

I will not be vain, self-righteous, and judgmental
I will not be vain, self-righteous and judgmental
I will not be vain, self-righteous and judgmental

I can also be small and petty sometimes.  Gee whiz!  This is going to take a lot of work and time!

I guess I'll find out how well I did on repenting when my time comes to die.  Until then, all I can do is try to be aware and make a conscious effort to change.  There is so much to learn in life, so much to do, so much to figure out.  This is what makes life so interesting, so beautiful, so fun.

I don't really believe in Judgment, Hell, or any of the other fearful control strategies.  But I do believe there is a reaction for every action, and I do believe we have lessons to learn in life.  I want to learn these lessons, not out of fear, but because I want to have a joyful life and give joy to others.

Taking inventory of yourself is a good thing.  Not a Judgment, a lesson.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014

I never thought I would see 2014, it seemed so far into the future.  I thought it would be like the Jetsons, with flying cars and robot maids.  What a let down it is to still have the same old things, the same old way.

I would love to believe that 2014 will be a better year than 2013, but I think it will be worse.  I think I will be arranging and attending two funerals of family members.  I think I will be in the midst of cleaning out and selling the house I grew up in.  I think this year will be a nightmare.

There is a part of me who believes it will be a good year.  A year of new beginnings.  I know that nothing is ever all good or all bad, but a combination of the two.  Unfortunately, I am in the black hole of the bad right now, struggling to keep my spirits up.  I'm hanging on the edge by my fingernails.

Something good needs to happen.  Right now.  Anything.  Please.

I think of all the many blessings I have been given, a beautiful planet, wonderful friends and family, abundance in all things that matter like good health.  I know I am better off than the majority.  But today I am in a funk and I think it's okay.  I think it's okay to have one of those days.

It won't last.  Nothing does.  Tomorrow will be better.